It's crazy how life can change in the blink of an eye.
It was suppose to be an ordinary appointment. I didn't even insist Keith go -it was a regular check up, regular visit. No questions, time to schedule the big 20 week sonogram. Actually, I did have some questions. I was still so exhausted. I'm not talking just sleepy, I'm keeping up with two kids, and pregnant kind of tired. I was fatigued. So much so I wanted to fall asleep driving. So much so with naps, nothing helped. I'm talking, couldn't get up to answer the phone 4 feet away lack of energy. I blamed the anemia. I blamed the iron pills. I blamed my body for not absorbing them properly.
The night before I even told Keith something was wrong, obviously thinking with me. I told my sister that if the doctor tells me tomorrow "that's normal, you're pregnant" I was going to cry. Tuesday was a bad day. Wednesday morning I actually felt much better. I was able to eat some cereal before I took my iron pills and still felt good enough to pick up a breakfast burrito from Sonic. Totally out of the ordinary. The iron always made me so sick I couldn't eat. Thinking of food made my stomach turn. I was losing weight. Grocery shopping was torture. My family hadn't eaten a home cooked dinner in a long time. It was all I could do to open a can of soup for them. Partly because food sounded gross, mostly because I didn't have the energy to do it.
I arrived on time and was called back. The tech told me "Dr. Lamar is stuck in a sonogram, do you mind seeing the nurse practitioner?" No, I didn't mind. I said I might have some questions for him later, but I don't mind seeing her right now. Nancy took me back. Weight check. Pee in the cup. Telling her about my fatigue and the awful iron pills. We figured out a new plan. Everything totally normal. She pulled out the doppler to listen to the heartbeat. Almost out of there in record time. I laid back while she slid the wand all over my belly. There were times I thought I heard it ever so faint. There were times she knew the baby was moving around, but we just couldn't get a good read. She said "You know what, let's just go do a sonogram. I don't want you to start getting worried." I wasn't. I mean, we heard her heartbeat at 7 weeks. A miracle in itself. We had Christa's doppler at home. I limited myself to every other day listening to her.... I didn't want to be crazy. We listened on Keith's birthday before bed. It was still high. At one point it read 181. We even googled for reasons on why it would still be this high this far along in the pregnancy. I didn't know why the nurse couldn't find it, but I was secretly looking forward to the sonogram to see her again. I had to wait a while so they could work me into the room, but eventually Nancy took me over to the machine all 6 of the doctors share.
She told me "Now, this is the first time I've ever used this on my own. So don't freak out if we don't see it right away. It's my fault and nothing is wrong. She couldn't get it started an eventually pulled a nurse into the room. The nurse walked her through the set up and soon there was an image on the machine. I even covered my face because I didn't want to know the sex. They assured me they couldn't tell at this angle. We saw the baby and I immediately noticed it wasn't moving all around like she suspected earlier. Nancy took the wand off my belly and said "You know what, let's just go ahead and call Dr. Lamar in here because I just am not comfortable on this. He knows much better what we're looking at." I should have noticed how fast the nurse ran out, and how quickly he came into the room. A clue to prepare my heart, but I still wasn't worried.
He placed the wand on my belly and we saw the exact same image. The baby didn't move which I thought was odd again and then the words came out of his mouth. Words that seemed to stop at my ears because my brain wasn't processing what they really meant. "It appears there is no heartbeat. I am sorry to tell you that your baby has passed away" Immediate tears. He clicked and took some measurements. He showed me the blood flow and where the heart was located. No movement. No blood flow.
He said "You're not going to remember this, but right here at the base of the skull are two large sacs of fluid. They are called ______________ ____________ (he was right, I didn't remember) They are always indicative of Turner's Syndrome. Let me get you cleaned up and we're going to find your husband for you. You have the option to come back with him if you want another sonogram, another opinion, I don't mind and in fact, I hope I'm wrong, but you decide what is best for you if you think you can endure another sonogram."
Nancy the nurse practitioner was in tears with me. The first thing out of my mouth "We tried for four years to get pregnant. That was suppose to be the hard part. We've already heard the heartbeat and I just expected it to always be there"
They took me a back way to the office room and tried to help me find Keith. I couldn't even tell them his phone number. My body was on fight or flight and my brain took a flight. I called his cell. Didn't expect him to answer because he doesn't get reception inside the building. I called his desk. I didn't expect him to answer because I knew he was in a staff meeting. I called the boss's wife. She didn't answer. Three times. I called my neighbor Nicole. Her husband is no longer even working at this base, and to be honest, I wasn't exactly sure they were in the same squadron. I told her I needed to get a hold of Keith and I didn't know how. Did she? Bless her heart, she said "yes, I will call someone. Is it an emergency?" Yes. No other questions, she hung up. Dr. Lamar's staff was trying desperately to get in touch with ANYONE from the base. I was making up numbers hoping a base person could transfer me to information or Keith. Nicole called back and said they are finding him right now. No questions. She let me go. The boss's wife rang back "Hi, I'm Landra and I just received three calls in a row from this number." Before she could finish, I was interrupting her with my need to get ahold of Keith. She said she would call right now.
I decided I was going to leave. The staff wanted me to wait, wanted to let their office girls drive me home. We made a plan to come back at 2:00pm with Keith. I ran to my car and sat there. Keith called and from that point on I don't know what I said. I was screaming the baby and no heartbeat. I was positive he couldn't understand me. He said I'm on my way home. I'm coming home. He didn't even know I wasn't there yet.
From that moment on, life got crazy. A normal appointment did not go according to my plan. We sat with the news for a long time before we could muster the ability to call or tell anyone. How did we get here? How did this happen? Confusion, denial, tears, numbness. What do we do? Someone please tell us what to do next.
We went back and Dr. Lamar spoke with us a long time. He did another sonogram and he was able to tell us what to do next. He said we need to induce you. You can choose to wait, but this is the right thing to do. Those words would mean so much more to me on Friday. "the right thing to do"
I guess because I am the one carrying her, I physically felt how hard she was working by how draining I felt. I physically heard and wondered why her heartbeat was so incredibly high. I physically felt the difference after she passed away. I'm having a much easier time in not only seeing but feeling God's mercy and grace upon her. I am thankful for His total healing on her. He saved her from the pain and strain it was to simply grow inside my womb. I'm not upset about that. I praise Him for loving her like that. I'm sad for us here. I'm sad for the time cut short. I'm sad for lots of things on this side of Heaven. Things He promises to carry me through.
Friday approached and I was extremely upset about taking the medicines at home. I was nervous and couldn't do it. I stalled, I waited, I thought about not doing anything and waiting for Dr. Lamar to start things. Then I realized something. This was the last earthly thing I could offer her as a mother. I could deliver her and be honored to do it. For the first time I was able to sleep. I rested up for the job at hand. There was a sense of peace knowing what had to be done. It was still incredibly hard, but I felt God's presence and love through prayers all day long. It was the right thing to do. Carrie Faye McDaniel was born at 1:02pm on 3-11-11. She was 4 1/2 inches long and weighed 2 oz. We were able to hold her, love her. Say hello and goodbye all at the same time.
I have always love the name Carrie. It was not on our "girl's list" this pregnancy until I remembered a song written by a lady with a similar story. I heard it again on Thursday and the answer was clear to me. Her name would be Carrie, and we will forever praise the One who choose us to be her earthly parents.
