A Month...

...and counting.

My Baby

Last night we had a couple over for dinner. They are getting ready to move to Korea and had a few questions. Super nice people. They also had their 5 weeks old baby with them. The little girl was so precious. I was talking with the mom, asking her questions about how she's eating and sleeping... baby talk. Little did I know Cole was paying attention. He came over and whispered to me "mom, tell her about your baby."

I told him that she knows, but his words have played over and over in my head. I'm not sure of the exact reasons he said that, but I love him. I love him for wanting to share her. I love him for thinking about her. I love him for wanting to include me in the conversation. I love his little heart. Remind me to increase his allowance when he starts getting one.

Only My Brad

This is Brad. Brad went through a phase of wearing an Elf hat (amongst other things) everywhere he went.


Brad is getting very excited for his 5th birthday. He has already decided he wants an Elf party. He wants Jelf the Elf to be there (from the Elf on a Shelf book), and Santa and Mrs. Claus. Parents are to wear our Santa hats and he wants snowflakes on the walls inside, not outside.

Brad told me he wants an Elf cake - not cupcakes, and a hat just like the one he composed yesterday:



His party is in May. I love him and can't wait to honor his every adorable request. I'm imagining a wood working station where he and all his little elf friends build toys for Santa and he takes them to deliver to other kids. Santa is already in the works for a scheduled appearance. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to make snowflakes a mere seven weeks before the party. Why do I get all crazy and want to make Christmas in May? Last night I kissed him to bed and he said "Mama is so beautiful" And just like that, his wish will be granted.

April Showers bring May...

Houses. At least, that's what we hope. I use the term "we" kinda loosely, but if the stars align we could be home owners... again. That's all I can say about it now because my stomach flips and I feel the need to scratch my neck excessively.

As always, my dear husband is keeping me on my toes. April will be a big turning point for our household in many many ways. You know that I took a class in college that listed the top 10 most stressful times in a persons life. March and April will make sure we cross at least half of those off. I hear that's good for blood pressure and things of that nature. So, if you thought my posts were random now, just wait till I've lost even more sleep and I walk in small circles in about 3 weeks.

The boys are well and ever so funny. Cole suffered his first sports injury. A big goalie fell on his leg and hyper-extended his knee. I wasn't there to witness it because I was running late with a small blonde child who operates on his own time clock. That same night Cole cut his foot open with glass. I wasn't there either. A small blonde boy needed to go to bed ASAP. Cole is suppose to be on Dr's orders of no running, jumping, active playing, P.E., or movement which involves planting his foot and moving his knee. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Honestly! We're doing our best, but the "no soccer for two weeks" rule just about broke his heart.

I felt like a crazy Texas parent explaining to the Dr. how much soccer the kid plays. I'm sure she made a note of that in his file. I'll be sure to watch the next persons facial response as she reads his file the next visit. Also, do you know how difficult it is to find a sports sleeve for a knee that's 10 inches around?

Keith is studying and I have thank you cards to write that I promise I will send out one day! I actually made two trips to the post office in 4 days. Progress.

Delayed Apprecitaion

Do you know what I found as I was cleaning out some things?? Thank you cards. Thank you cards that I have written to other people the past 2 years that I've never mailed out.

I have all kinds of cards - thanks for birthdays, thanks for Christmas gifts... all just sitting here. Envelopes are all addressed but just never mailed. And it's not for the lack of stamps either. There's HUNDREDS here in the drawer.

I also did the same thing with our Christmas cards this year. I ordered, addressed, even bought more stamps, and yet never mailed them out. I don't know why. Maybe now that I'm older it's my new quirky thing. Crazy old lady characteristic #1. Yea me!

Time

We left on a cruise boat. Ran away from the world and reality for a bit. It was a trip planned long before life got crazy. A trip we were cleared to take. It might sound crazy to some. Leave on a tropical vacation a week after your delivered your daughter.... but it was exactly what we needed.

The boys were in good hands and I really had limited contact with them between "that day" and the day we flew out. If I did, I almost don't remember much of it. We sailed away to escape. I couldn't have asked for better travel buddies. I love Steve and Ashley. I didn't have to pretend, or explain why I couldn't get in the water. We didn't have to keep up and fake our way through high adrenalin excursions. We sat, we talked, we prayed, we ate, and ate, and ate, and ate.

I was even ready to get back. Ready to be a mom, wanting to wash their hair, and clean up behind them. I was looking forward to routines, schedules, and life together again. A perfect get away, and a perfect reunion.

The morning after we returned, sweet Cole crawled into bed to snuggle. The only thing he said was "Mom, how big was the baby's heart?" I know he still is thinking about her and processing his questions and feelings. I just hope we are able to help him in honest ways without causing fear or doubt for our love for him.

We've been overwhelmed with people sending their love and prayers. Honestly, it was truly God's love sent to us through each and every one of you. Life can be beautiful, even when it's painful. I'm reading some books and trying to get a grasp on everything that's happened. There's one book, that has the answers and has told me time and time again. His word. I'm totally convinced that God had a plan for Carrie, and God was equally, if not more, heartbroken over her passing. He was crying with me. He was wiping my tears, and He was holding my baby. Without a doubt, I believe she is healed and with our Father. Without a doubt, I believe He will help us through this trial. Without a doubt, I know he will piece my heart back together. I just have to hand it over to Him through faith. Every day. His word says so.



"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.." Jeremiah 1:5

"Jesus wept" John 11:40

"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:10

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119:50



I hope you don't think I can slap a bunch of bible verses on my wounds and call it good. That's not how it works. The most amazing thing about God's word is that it keeps you coming back for more. Often times it will raise more questions, and more questions, and sometimes questions that aren't answered this side of Heaven. But what it does tell me, I believe through faith. Believe me, I'm not a biblical scholar. I don't know all of the stories or histories of the great men and women of the bible. I wish I were a better Christian, teacher, and leader. But if you don't have faith or a relationship with God and have questions, please ask. There's no such thing as a dumb question (believe me, I asked them publicly in a bible study and loving women helped me without laughing) and there's never a too-late-to-start age limit.

I usually don't get this "heavy", but I want to share my hope with you. If you don't know Him, He's waiting with open arms.

Our Daughter

It's crazy how life can change in the blink of an eye.

It was suppose to be an ordinary appointment. I didn't even insist Keith go -it was a regular check up, regular visit. No questions, time to schedule the big 20 week sonogram. Actually, I did have some questions. I was still so exhausted. I'm not talking just sleepy, I'm keeping up with two kids, and pregnant kind of tired. I was fatigued. So much so I wanted to fall asleep driving. So much so with naps, nothing helped. I'm talking, couldn't get up to answer the phone 4 feet away lack of energy. I blamed the anemia. I blamed the iron pills. I blamed my body for not absorbing them properly.

The night before I even told Keith something was wrong, obviously thinking with me. I told my sister that if the doctor tells me tomorrow "that's normal, you're pregnant" I was going to cry. Tuesday was a bad day. Wednesday morning I actually felt much better. I was able to eat some cereal before I took my iron pills and still felt good enough to pick up a breakfast burrito from Sonic. Totally out of the ordinary. The iron always made me so sick I couldn't eat. Thinking of food made my stomach turn. I was losing weight. Grocery shopping was torture. My family hadn't eaten a home cooked dinner in a long time. It was all I could do to open a can of soup for them. Partly because food sounded gross, mostly because I didn't have the energy to do it.

I arrived on time and was called back. The tech told me "Dr. Lamar is stuck in a sonogram, do you mind seeing the nurse practitioner?" No, I didn't mind. I said I might have some questions for him later, but I don't mind seeing her right now. Nancy took me back. Weight check. Pee in the cup. Telling her about my fatigue and the awful iron pills. We figured out a new plan. Everything totally normal. She pulled out the doppler to listen to the heartbeat. Almost out of there in record time. I laid back while she slid the wand all over my belly. There were times I thought I heard it ever so faint. There were times she knew the baby was moving around, but we just couldn't get a good read. She said "You know what, let's just go do a sonogram. I don't want you to start getting worried." I wasn't. I mean, we heard her heartbeat at 7 weeks. A miracle in itself. We had Christa's doppler at home. I limited myself to every other day listening to her.... I didn't want to be crazy. We listened on Keith's birthday before bed. It was still high. At one point it read 181. We even googled for reasons on why it would still be this high this far along in the pregnancy. I didn't know why the nurse couldn't find it, but I was secretly looking forward to the sonogram to see her again. I had to wait a while so they could work me into the room, but eventually Nancy took me over to the machine all 6 of the doctors share.

She told me "Now, this is the first time I've ever used this on my own. So don't freak out if we don't see it right away. It's my fault and nothing is wrong. She couldn't get it started an eventually pulled a nurse into the room. The nurse walked her through the set up and soon there was an image on the machine. I even covered my face because I didn't want to know the sex. They assured me they couldn't tell at this angle. We saw the baby and I immediately noticed it wasn't moving all around like she suspected earlier. Nancy took the wand off my belly and said "You know what, let's just go ahead and call Dr. Lamar in here because I just am not comfortable on this. He knows much better what we're looking at." I should have noticed how fast the nurse ran out, and how quickly he came into the room. A clue to prepare my heart, but I still wasn't worried.

He placed the wand on my belly and we saw the exact same image. The baby didn't move which I thought was odd again and then the words came out of his mouth. Words that seemed to stop at my ears because my brain wasn't processing what they really meant. "It appears there is no heartbeat. I am sorry to tell you that your baby has passed away" Immediate tears. He clicked and took some measurements. He showed me the blood flow and where the heart was located. No movement. No blood flow.

He said "You're not going to remember this, but right here at the base of the skull are two large sacs of fluid. They are called ______________ ____________ (he was right, I didn't remember) They are always indicative of Turner's Syndrome. Let me get you cleaned up and we're going to find your husband for you. You have the option to come back with him if you want another sonogram, another opinion, I don't mind and in fact, I hope I'm wrong, but you decide what is best for you if you think you can endure another sonogram."

Nancy the nurse practitioner was in tears with me. The first thing out of my mouth "We tried for four years to get pregnant. That was suppose to be the hard part. We've already heard the heartbeat and I just expected it to always be there"

They took me a back way to the office room and tried to help me find Keith. I couldn't even tell them his phone number. My body was on fight or flight and my brain took a flight. I called his cell. Didn't expect him to answer because he doesn't get reception inside the building. I called his desk. I didn't expect him to answer because I knew he was in a staff meeting. I called the boss's wife. She didn't answer. Three times. I called my neighbor Nicole. Her husband is no longer even working at this base, and to be honest, I wasn't exactly sure they were in the same squadron. I told her I needed to get a hold of Keith and I didn't know how. Did she? Bless her heart, she said "yes, I will call someone. Is it an emergency?" Yes. No other questions, she hung up. Dr. Lamar's staff was trying desperately to get in touch with ANYONE from the base. I was making up numbers hoping a base person could transfer me to information or Keith. Nicole called back and said they are finding him right now. No questions. She let me go. The boss's wife rang back "Hi, I'm Landra and I just received three calls in a row from this number." Before she could finish, I was interrupting her with my need to get ahold of Keith. She said she would call right now.

I decided I was going to leave. The staff wanted me to wait, wanted to let their office girls drive me home. We made a plan to come back at 2:00pm with Keith. I ran to my car and sat there. Keith called and from that point on I don't know what I said. I was screaming the baby and no heartbeat. I was positive he couldn't understand me. He said I'm on my way home. I'm coming home. He didn't even know I wasn't there yet.

From that moment on, life got crazy. A normal appointment did not go according to my plan. We sat with the news for a long time before we could muster the ability to call or tell anyone. How did we get here? How did this happen? Confusion, denial, tears, numbness. What do we do? Someone please tell us what to do next.

We went back and Dr. Lamar spoke with us a long time. He did another sonogram and he was able to tell us what to do next. He said we need to induce you. You can choose to wait, but this is the right thing to do. Those words would mean so much more to me on Friday. "the right thing to do"

I guess because I am the one carrying her, I physically felt how hard she was working by how draining I felt. I physically heard and wondered why her heartbeat was so incredibly high. I physically felt the difference after she passed away. I'm having a much easier time in not only seeing but feeling God's mercy and grace upon her. I am thankful for His total healing on her. He saved her from the pain and strain it was to simply grow inside my womb. I'm not upset about that. I praise Him for loving her like that. I'm sad for us here. I'm sad for the time cut short. I'm sad for lots of things on this side of Heaven. Things He promises to carry me through.

Friday approached and I was extremely upset about taking the medicines at home. I was nervous and couldn't do it. I stalled, I waited, I thought about not doing anything and waiting for Dr. Lamar to start things. Then I realized something. This was the last earthly thing I could offer her as a mother. I could deliver her and be honored to do it. For the first time I was able to sleep. I rested up for the job at hand. There was a sense of peace knowing what had to be done. It was still incredibly hard, but I felt God's presence and love through prayers all day long. It was the right thing to do. Carrie Faye McDaniel was born at 1:02pm on 3-11-11. She was 4 1/2 inches long and weighed 2 oz. We were able to hold her, love her. Say hello and goodbye all at the same time.



I have always love the name Carrie. It was not on our "girl's list" this pregnancy until I remembered a song written by a lady with a similar story. I heard it again on Thursday and the answer was clear to me. Her name would be Carrie, and we will forever praise the One who choose us to be her earthly parents.