Stinker B

Brad,

You are quickly approaching your 2 year marker and I can not believe where the time has gone. I found a journal entry today. I wrote it after I returned from the hospital. I thought we were going to lose you through miscarriage. I went to the ER on a Saturday. They checked my HgH levels via blood work and they were still high. I couldn't get a sonogram till Monday. They sent me home to wait with a handout on Spontaneous Abortion (aka miscarriage) - terrible wording, terribly tacky. Papa and GeGe came up to Enid to help me with Cole. Your Daddy was in Georgia. I called him just as he got to the golf course. He went back home to sit and wait. I can only imagine how alone and helpless he must have felt.

I can still feel every feeling by reading those words. There will be times in your life where the emotions will stick with your forever. This was one of those times for me. Below is the original entry:

November 6, 2005
Baby McDaniel,
I thought I would have nine long months to write you a letter. I wanted to form all the right words to make a beautiful heartfelt message for you to read as you grew up. But, I'm afraid our time is short.
We waited so long for you. We wanted you so badly and planned for you each month. You shocked us with the news. Against all odds and by the hands of God, you joined our family. Because of your... determination(?) we had cause for worry early on. I wanted so badly to pass it all over to God and just delight in the news of you. But as a human I couldn't do that all the time. I just prayed that God's hands were forming you as perfectly and healthy as He could, and that I would carry you to term.
The day I saw blood my heart stopped. I thought it couldn't be real - there was just too much. I was able to stay calm enough to figure out a plan and then I had to call your Daddy. Oh - it broke my heart to tell him. He's the only one that can bring me to tears like that. Calling him from the hospital has been the hardest thing I've ever done. He loves you so, so much. They sent us home with a wait and see. I was just in PRAISE of God that you are still in there, inside me, against all odds!
I pray all the time for you. I praise and thank God for his love, mercy, and grace. I can't believe how BLESSED I/we have been. I can completely see his miracles by keeping you here safe inside me. I know He can finish forming you and celebrate your birth. Part of me wants to scream to Him and beg for Him to spare you (and us) I want the bleeding to stop, I want to carry you through 9 months of pregnancy, I want to be your mom and for you to be in our lives. I want to tell God "I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!"
But, He already knows my desires. He knows my wishes. I have to keep praying for just Him. I need Him in my life to help with the worry, the pain, the emotions, the what-if's. I want/need/desire for His perfect plan to be in charge of my life.
So whatever that may be, just know that I love you and I want you and I dream of holding you - here or in Heaven. God is in control and He will do what's best. I'm truly grateful to everyday you've been in my body. You are a part of my heart. You are a child of God that I was blessed with despite what the future may hold.
My sweet baby, I write to you now what I hope you will read. And I pray that God's will be done. I love you my child #2. I love you.

November 7, 2005
God is so good! I'm not just saying that because we got GREAT news today, but His love is overwhelming!
I was prepared to see a little peanut today. Small, budding limbs, the faintest heartbeat. Imagine my *SHOCK* to see a baby! You were bouncing and swimming, moving, and kicking - and yes! There was a heartbeat!!!
I thought I was BARELY seven weeks along. Your size proves to be 12 weeks. May 27,2006. I started dating your daddy on May 26th,1993. I dreamed of having a baby on that day! We'll talk to the dr as to why I've been bleeding later. But I'm so thrilled for you. You are a fighter!

Just for the record, as I went in for the sonogram my mind was already made up. I didn't know about you being 12 weeks, but even if they did not see a heartbeat - I was not going to give up on you. My brain was already convinced it was just too early to detect. I believed in you that much. And I always will. Brad you are my fighter, my charmer, my laughter, and my stinker. Thank you God for letting us know and love him. Now, we're off to face the "terrible twos" together. I can't wait.